Free

I haven't had a day like this in forever. Well, okay, not forever (now I'm just being dramatic), but you know what I'm saying. I knew going into the semester that January and February would be like this. I knew these 8 weeks would include the convergence of many different due dates, each with their own demand and expectation. I'd said yes to a few things and other obligations at work that could not be denied--but at the time I thought, "Two months, that's nothing. I can give myself over for two months, right?" 

But now that I'm in it, especially in these last few weeks when the end seems *just* a bit too distant, two months feels like a really long time.

I want to emphasize: all these things are good. I have nothing to complain about and it's not like the month is devoid of pleasure.  I signed up to do all of these things because they're all really great.

But for me, going days, weeks, months without making anything can feel like forever--like 'what am I doing?!?" I start to feel very far from my life's purpose and the pressure of time--what some poets I'm sure would say is death. I can feel the clock ticking and my lifeboat's getting getting further and further away.  Outside of raising my kids and my family, there is not another thing that defines me so deeply. 

This is not to say anything I make is good. But it's essential, for me.

What are those activities?

Writing
My blog
Drawing
My children's book
Drawing
Thinking 
Reading
Meditating

Today, these are the activities I most enjoy and it's rare I have a whole day to do so. What a completely luxurious gift.